Concluding Speaker

I gave a talk in church last Sunday. It is flawed grammatically and all that, but if you can look past that then you can look past anything! Before getting right into the talk, I just wanted to say that the whole weekend was a busy one. I substitute coached the Young Women basketball team Saturday morning and then was the Primary representative at a baptism that afternoon. The other members of the presidency were out of town. Sunday morning, I went to ward council. After that was the talk and after that I played the role of an entire presidency. It was mostly smooth. I'm so grateful that people just magnify their callings. SO grateful. Here is the talk: 

I was asked to speak on the topic of “positive family relationships,” given a talk from Elder Oaks in the October 2005 Conference as a reference. To begin my talk with a quote located near the end of Elder Oaks’ talk, he says, “The theology of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints centers on the family. Our relationship to God and the purpose of earth life are explained in terms of the family. We are the spirit children of heavenly parents. The gospel plan is implemented through earthly families, and our highest aspiration is to perpetuate those family relationships throughout eternity. The ultimate mission of our Savior’s Church is to help us achieve exaltation in the celestial kingdom, and that can only be accomplished in a family relationship.

No wonder our Church is known as a family-centered church. No wonder we are distressed at the current legal and cultural deteriorations in the position of marriage and childbearing. At a time when the world seems to be losing its understanding of the purpose of marriage and the value of childbearing, it is vital that Latter-day Saints have no confusion about these matters.”

All because two people fell in love. Jane Austin’s character in “Pride and Prejudice: declares, “Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance.” Not so, I say! There are more elements to it than that. “Gender, as declared in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” is ‘an essential characteristic of individual premortal, moral and eternal identity and purpose.’ The differences between men and women are not simply biological. They are woven into the fabric of the universe, a vital foundational element of eternal life and divine nature”.

Elder Oaks talks about the differences of priesthood authority in the church and in the home saying, “if we fail to recognize and honor the differences, we encounter difficulties.” One difference is in partnership. Family government is patriarchal, and that of the church is hierarchical. The family proclamation says “In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”

As quoted by elder Oaks, President Kimball said, “When we speak of marriage as a partnership, let us speak of marriage as a full partnership. We do not want our LDS women to be silent partners or limited partners in that eternal assignment! Please be a contributing and full partner.”

President Benson gives us several aids to strengthen our marital relationship. He says, “Marriage itself must be regarded as a sacred covenant before God. A married couple have an obligation not only to each other, but to God. He has promised blessings to those who honor that covenant.

Fidelity to one’s marriage vows is absolutely essential for love, trust, and peace.

Husbands and wives who love each other will find that love and loyalty are reciprocated.

Prayer in the home and prayer with each other will strengthen your union.

Rely on the Lord, the teachings of the prophets, and the scriptures for guidance and help.

Spiritual growth comes by solving problems together—not by running from them. Today’s inordinate emphasis on individualism brings egotism and separation. Two individuals becoming 'one flesh' is still the Lord’s standard.

The secret of a happy marriage is to serve God and each other. The goal of marriage is unity and oneness, as well as self-development. Paradoxically, the more we serve one another, the greater is our spiritual and emotional growth.”

I’ve learned time and time again the importance of budgets. Matt has been very patient with me on this. The most recent occurrence being our unemployment. Thankfully for us, our understanding of budgets helped us through that frustrating period of time.

President Eyring says, “Have you noticed husbands and wives who feel pinched for lack of money choose for a solution ways to make their family income keep rising but soon find that the pinch is there whatever the income? There is an old formula which goes something like this: Income five dollars and expenses six dollars: misery. Income four dollars and expenses three dollars: happiness. President Brigham Young said it this way, speaking to us as much as he did to the people in his day: 'If you wish to get rich, save what you get. A fool can earn money; but it takes a wise man to save and dispose of it to his own advantage. Then go to work, and save everything, and make your own bonnets and clothing.' 

In today’s world, instead of telling young couples to make bonnets, President Young might suggest they think carefully about what they really need in cars, clothes, recreation, houses, vacations, and whatever they will someday try to provide for their children.” 

I know at times we want to “keep up with the Jones’s,” but I for one do not envy the Jones’s debt!

Lastly, A quote by President Kimball: “Marriage partners must be quick to forgive. If we will sue for peace, taking the initiative in settling differences-if we forgive and forget with all our hearts… if we forgive all real or fancied offenses before we ask forgiveness for our own sins-if we pay our own debts, large or small, before we press our debtors-if we manage to clear our own eyes of the blinding beams before we magnify the motes in the eyes of others-what a glorious world this would be! Divorce would be reduced to a minimum; courts would be freed from disgusting routines; family life would be heavenly; the building of the kingdom would go forward at an accelerated pace; and the peace which passeth understanding would bring to us all a joy and happiness which has hardly ‘entered into the heart of man.’”

Here comes the stork! In nearly all the resources I drew from, I came across the same line from the proclamation: “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.” My parents did their absolute best here. My eight brothers and sisters had one of the quirkiest childhoods kind of ever. Last Summer we had a family reunion. My parents, all their children, our spouses, and grandchildren. I had set up an event page on Facebook where we went crazy posting all the memories and inside jokes accumulated over the years. It got to be so funny, Matt and other in-laws thought us kind of strange. My sister-in-law actually understood my brother better because she learned the background to some of the things he still does.

Among my more fond memories there is Family Home Evening. One theme night was called “Dad’s Favorite Proverbs.” I think we even had a theme song. I love it when the lesson plan was delegated to the kids. Taking turns planning spiritual devotionals has been personally beneficial to me. Another memory is of “Child of the Week.” Sounds weird I know but it solved a lot of contentious issues. Issues such as who got the toy in the cereal box who got shot gun in the station wagon. Who got a night out with Dad all by themselves. Another memory I hold dear is that my family sat in the front pew at church for years. Because of that I learned the need for reverence in church. There are numerous examples wherein my parents taught by example and by precept.
We need to teach our children right and wrong. They need to know it is wrong to cheat, lie, steal or covet. President Benson mentions children should be “taught to work at home.” Learn that “honest labor develops dignity and self-respect.” My family had paper routes, babysitting and part-time jobs early on in our youth. Even the youngest kids made money folding newspaper inserts. Chores, dare I say, are important.

President Benson says, “The most important teachings in the home are spiritual. Parents are commanded to prepare their sons and daughters for the ordinances of the gospel: baptism, confirmation, priesthood ordinations, and temple marriage. They are to teach them to respect and honor the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Most importantly, parents are to instill within their children a desire for eternal life and to earnestly seek that goal above all else.” James D Macarthur, Director Counseling and Career Center at BYU says, “In a functional family, parents intentionally strengthen their families.” He goes on to note that children watch our every move, so what kind of example do we want to set? Would we like to see them be patient? We must be so. Would we like to see them relax, have fun and learn to enjoy life? Important, so yes!  Do we want them to read their scriptures? Yes. So we make sure they see us doing it, and try to read to them. I personally enjoy an opportunity to attend the temple. I love to tell the boys me or Dad is going there. I love to take them there!

Happy family relationships result from faith in Jesus Christ; establishing a solid foundation unequal to any other way.

The rising generation. Nothing fueled my ego more as a youth than to be told my generation was a chosen one to come forth in this day and age. I see it in the youth of our ward family. I see it in my children. Each generation is a chosen one and we need the strength of the youth in our world as we know it today. Who helps us obtain that strength? Our parents! Quentin L Cook gave some amazing counsel when he said, “Always be grateful for your blessings, especially your heritage. When we are blessed with goodly parents, we should be grateful. This is the debt each of us owes for our heritage.

An old Chinese proverb reads, “When you drink the water, don’t forget the well from whence it sprung.” It is clear from the scriptures that we are to honor our parents. A proverb reads, “My son, keep thy father’s commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother.”

Perhaps my favorite example of family comes from Lehi in the Book of Mormon. The hunting party suffers great loss from broken bows and strings. Everybody is hungry. Nobody is happy; not even Lehi, the patriarch. Nephi could have maybe taken matters into his own hands. Stepping up where Lehi faltered; but no. He readied himself with what weapons he could muster, and asked his father, “Whither shall I go to obtain food?” Nephi respected his father. Lehi was the leader of his family.

I want to draw your attention to the fifth of the Ten Commandments. I’m a fan of finding “if/then statements” in the scriptures. This is the only one of these Ten Commandments with a “then” statement or rather a blessing immediately tacked onto it. “Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.”

The Apostle Paul wrote of perilous times when he said “men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy…” How grateful I am for the example of Nephi and for my In-Laws who raised five wonderful people!

Elder Cook goes on to teach this: “commit yourself to the eternal institution of the family as the foundation for happiness. In the world at large, many are choosing not to get married or are delaying marriage. The family is an eternal institution ordained of God from before the foundation of the world. Most people will marry and be blessed with children. There is no greater blessing in this life than having children. Some of the most poignant passages in all of scripture capture the sublime significance of children in our Heavenly Father’s plan. They are truly “an heritage of the Lord”

Elder Cook shares a story, “When I was in my 20s, President David O. McKay (1873–1970) gave a prophetic message about marriage and children. He was 95 years old and in the last year of his life. He taught that the pure love between a man and a woman “is one of the noblest things on earth, and the bearing and rearing of children the highest of all human duties.

For those not yet married, you should move forward with faith and confidence toward the ultimate goal of marriage and family. I would counsel you to find a righteous spouse whom you admire and who will be your best friend. I assure you that the joy, love, and fulfillment experienced in loving, righteous families produce the greatest possible happiness we can achieve.”

Elder Porter of the Seventy says, “We live in a day when the love of many, even toward their own children, is waxing cold; a day when so many people love pleasures more than God; a day when good is called evil and evil good. Those who defend the traditional family, who stand for fidelity and chastity and all that once was considered wholesome and praiseworthy are mocked and ridiculed. On the other hand, those who see no problem with fatherless homes, who advocate abortion, who fight all attempts to limit pornography, and who seek to redefine the very essence of what a family is, are praised and upheld as champions of tolerance. Truly, the world has turned upside down.”

James Lincoln Collier says, “This is an extremely unusual circumstance—perhaps unique in human experience. In no known human society, past or present, have children generally been raised outside of an intact nuclear family. The nuclear family is one of the most basic of all human institutions, a system of doing things so fundamental that until this century it occurred to very few people that life could exist without it.”

A couple more comparisons that Elder Oaks makes with priesthood in church and in family involve boundaries and duration. He says, “Church organizations like wards, quorums, or auxiliaries always have geographic boundaries that limit the responsibility and authority of the callings associated with them. In contrast, family relationships and responsibilities are not dependent upon where different family members reside.

Church callings are always temporary, but family relationships are permanent.”

 So here we are: Families- no distance between, no duration of time can change its eternal nature.

I had a friend who didn’t want to have children because she felt like people try to ‘play God’ by doing it. At the time I merely looked at her like a dear in the headlights. But later as I collected my thoughts, I said to myself, no. I am not ‘playing God’, I am becoming like Him. Everything I’ve done from attending school, moving out, getting married and having children, I have more and more in common with my mom. I relate to her more and more on a personal level. So it is with my Heavenly Father. I’ve had teachable moments with my kids that I realize my Heavenly Father has had with me. And precious are the moments of shared joy and shared pain. What a concept families are! What privilege parenthood is. I share this with you, in the name of my Brother, my exemplar, my advocate to the Father, even Jesus Christ, Amen.

~The Hoveys